Names

Original entry date: October 10, 2008

I live a haunted existence.

Between Nick's sudden death in May, and working with the cadavers now, I am reminded every day of my fragile mortality. We go through life weaving an intricate web, spinning our relationships, experiences, and memories into the delicate silk fibers, getting tangled up in some spots as we trudge along. It's a strong and sturdy web, but it can all be ruined in an instant.

I couldn't fall asleep easily last night, and whenever I'd find myself in the first fleeting seconds of slumber, an image of the cadaver's hand in mine would appear. In my dreams my eyes would trace the musculature of the arm and upward, to a disarticulated shoulder, and then further on to a face that did not belong. The face would be Nick's.

So here I am, sitting in Dr. Petti's Health & Lifestyles 101 class, halfway listening to him lecture, and at the same time allowing my mind to wander into the uncomfortable spaces its been occupying in the wee hours of the morning. I keep thinking about the cadaver arm, and the man it belonged to. The cadaver arm is the same one that we first saw in January, with Dan's class, from the man who was born in December 1919 and had a pacemaker installed.

I know not his name, simply his month and year of birth and death, and the primary cause of death. I know of his inside body workings, the shape and lay of his muscles, what the inside of his heart looks like, the delicate arc of his semilunar valves. I do not know what his face looks like, but the more I think about him, the more I wish to give him a name. I want to name him Mike.

I don't know why this name calls to me, but it seems to fit.

So lately I am haunted by Nick and Mike, for different reasons. I wonder how long until this feeling passes.